


handful of crazy stars

by alwaysayes



Series: take me break me make me strong like you [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: AND GAY, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, nursey is sad, the rest of the team is kind of just there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 23:18:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8466799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes
Summary: your name is derek nurse and your world is on fire and will is your sun and your moon and stars and your entire virgo supercluster and you know that you are his too. your name is derek nurse and for the first time in your life you may have something other than hockey to keep you going because he makes you strong and you make him strong and together you are inescapable and magical and radiant and everything in the world that you will ever need because you have each other.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a nursey character study. warnings for homophobia, suicide attempts, and minor character death.

your name is derek nurse and you have two moms and the kids at school make fun of you. your name is derek and you are twelve the first time someone at school calls you a faggot you cringe at his tone of voice and push it to the back of your mind so you don’t have to think about it. your moms tell you not to judge people and so you don’t.

your name is derek nurse and you have a panic attack when you’re fourteen, in the school bathroom during lunch. some guy calls you a faggot and shoves you up against a locker and asks you how many cocks you had sucked. you shake him off and run into the bathroom to unwind when it happened. your friend finds you and you tell him you were fine. he knew you aren’t and buys you a can of apple juice.

you are fourteen when you got your first girlfriend, and she kisses you on the lips and you pretend to like it. your moms tell you one day that it’s okay if you don’t like girls. you say okay. 

your name is derek nurse and you play hockey at andover when you meet the guy you know you’ll stay friends with for a long time. you are fifteen when your father tries to get custody of you and you and your moms fight as hard as you can to keep you with them but he wins anyway. you are fifteen when you have your first suicide attempt.

you are in school and things are piling up and your father is homophobic and catches you kissing your boyfriend in your room after school. your name is derek nurse and you hate your life because you haven’t seen your moms in six months and your boyfriend hates you and your father threatened to kick you out of the house. your name is derek nurse and you are fifteen and out of your head with anxiety. your name is derek nurse and your father won’t take you to get a diagnosis. your name is derek nurse and you take so many pills they have to chug your stomach. you are fifteen and your father can’t look you in the eye because he is so disappointed in you.

you are sixteen when they discharge you from the hospital. you were there for your birthday and your best friend was the only one to visit and you love him for it. you are sixteen when you get back into playing hockey and go back to andover. you are still sixteen when your father gets shot on the way back from work and everyone wants you to be sad but you can’t be sad that the world has one less uptight asshole. you are sixteen when you realize the world is trying to fuck you over and you move back in with your moms. you get a new phone and only have three numbers in it. 

you are seventeen when you get a full ride hockey scholarship to samwell university. you are seventeen when you meet a boy who has more freckles than there are stars in the sky and flaming red hair that makes your skin melt when you get too close. your name is derek nurse and you are pansexual. 

your name is derek nurse and your dorm room walls are covered in poems about the fire boy and your roommate laughs and asks why you have so many poem about him. you shrug and tell them it’s because you love him. they sigh.

your name is derek nurse and you love william poindexter with your whole being and he doesn’t understand because all he does is argue with you. 

after your attempt you start saying chill more often, directed at yourself and not others. but dex thinks it’s at him and won’t talk to you anymore. your name is derek nurse and you’re falling apart again but then your best friend from andover catches you at the last minute and you go on a road trip together to visit your samwell friend over the summer.

your name is derek nurse and you are eighteen when william poindexter kisses you in the yard of the haus and your body is on fire when his lips touch yours and your world is spinning spinning spinning. your name is derek nurse and william poindexter loves you back and every time his lips touch yours you catch fire and you are in love with him and everything is good. 

your name is derek nurse and when you meet dex’s parents you have a panic attack in the bathroom because they don’t know you’re dating him and they don’t know he’s gay at all. your name is derek nurse and this is the boy you love but his parents have no idea that you’re dating because he’s still in the closet and it hurts. your name is derek nurse and suddenly you feel like nobody trusts you enough to talk about you and your name is derek nurse and the world is spinning and crashing and burning and-

your name is derek nurse and dex’s hand rests on your thigh as you sit in the bathroom of annie’s and he’s whispering something in your ear and all you can understand is your name.

nobody calls you derek anymore except for him and it’s like a void closing in your chest when he calls you that, calls you his.  your name is derek nurse except it isn’t anymore because everyone calls you nursey and not derek and dex lets you call him will and-

you can breathe again.

your name is derek nurse and inside the annie’s bathroom is the first time you can breathe in four years and it feels like fifteen tons have been pulled off your chest and will is holding your hand and kissing your forehead and you are no longer helpless because you can breathe.

your name is derek nurse and the same day you walk out of a bathroom with tear stains on your cheeks, your boyfriend comes out to his parents and holds your hand. they tell him they love him unconditionally.

your name is derek nurse and the first time will actually fights with you you lock yourself in your room and cry and cry and cry and cry and write so many poems but none of them capture how you really feel about him and your heart is on fire and aching and aching and it won’t stop.

chowder comes into your room and lies in bed with you for hours, not even getting up. just sleeping and being friends and being close.  will  dex still won’t talk to ou and it’s been three days and the chemistry is just off and you’re still hurting still hurting still hurting.

your name is derek nurse and a week later dex comes to your bedroom with an apology and breakfast and you ignore the banging on the door because you don’t want to hurt anymore and hurting is all that happens when you’re with him because you don’t stop arguing and arguing is what happened in the first place. bitty and jack and tango and whiskey and chowder and  _ nobody _ wants to talk to you because you hurt dex you hurt him you hurt him you hurt dex.

your mom asks you if you’re alright and you don’t respond for a day until you tell her you feel sick and may be going home for a little bit to recover. it is, after all, the end of the school year.

your name is derek nurse and all your friends have graduated and you have nothing left. your name is derek nurse and the day your moms pick you up from samwell for the summer you haven’t spoken to dex in two weeks and everything is falling apart again just like in high school.

you don’t wish anyone goodbye before you get in the the backseat of their minivan and drive away, sharing a space with all your boxes.

your name is derek nurse and three weeks into the summer dex shows up at your door. he tries to apologize but it’s four in the morning and it’s storming so bad that he could get struck by lightning and so you let him into your apartment and slyly turn off the episode of criminal minds you were watching to clean him up and get into the bed with him. when you wake up he’s spooning you and of course you’re the little spoon because you always are.

“derek, we need to work this out.”

“i don’t want to work this out, dex. i want it to go back to before when you hated me because i’m hurting you now and that hurts me but if we’re not dating i can’t hurt you and-”

“derek i love you. i would do anything for you. i drove to manhattan from maine for you, you idiot. i’m in love with you. i love you with my entire being and i don’t want our existence to become one of those poems that i know you burn with a candle once you think that i’m asleep. i want us to be the fire.”

“can we go back to when we were dating?”

“yes.”

your name is derek nurse and you are smiling and caving into  dex’s  will’s touch because he is yours again and you are his and you are happy again. 

your moms walk in at about noon to see you and him sleeping off your early morning talk and say nothing. you get a text that you see when you wake up that tells you that they went for groceries and that breakfast is on the table.

your name is derek nurse and your world is on fire and will is your sun and your moon and stars and your entire virgo supercluster and you know that you are his too. your name is derek nurse and for the first time in your life you may have something other than hockey to keep you going because he makes you strong and you make him strong and together you are inescapable and magical and radiant and everything in the world that you will ever need because you have each other.

your name is derek nurse and the second that your moms meet will they are in love. your name is derek nurse and your sun is shining in your eyes and blinding you with his love and you could write pages upon pages upon pages about how much you do for each other but nobody else needs to know how he helps you through a panic attack and ices your eye when you trip and fall and hit someone’s knee with your face. nobody needs to know how much you love each other because even though you are out, your love is for your eyes only and nobody is allowed to touch it because you are radiant with him and love is real and true and amazing.

your name is derek nurse and for the first time in years you have friends visit you over the summer that actually want to see you and don’t just want money from you.

your name is derek nurse and chowder comes over for the last week of summer break and you guys hang out with will and he meets your moms and you have never had more than one friend that genuinely cared about something other than your financial status.

your name is derek nurse and the first time you meet will’s whole family is on his birthday your junior year and the second you step in the door to the poindexter family home you are bombarded with hugs by seven little ginger children and you laugh and make a harry potter joke and will pokes you on the nose with a laugh. his entire family loves you and they urge you to come back and some of his siblings even cry when you leave.

your name is derek nurse and samwell wins as many games as they can when you become captain and you cry when you win the championships and kiss will on the ice.

your name is derek nurse and you are one of the first out college hockey players with a boyfriend. 

your name is derek nurse and things ar finally going right.

your name is derek nurse and suddenly things aren’t right because will’s fifteen year old sister commits suicide and he is a mess and you don’t know what to do so you hold him all night while he cries against your shoulders and you’re both shaking and it hurts more than you would like to admit because you are not a sentimental man but when it comes to things like this you are a shaking mess only to be consoled by a notebook and you can’t write about her because you would feel like you are betraying her.

your name is derek nurse and when will’s older sister asks you to write a poem for her younger sister’s funeral you cry and nod and then you can’t stop crying because everything hurts and you are a selfish man who is not in control of his own emotions.

will carries her old sample tube of perfume in his jacket pocket every day now and you and him both are trying to heal because healing is a together process and nobody can make it alone when they’re missing someone so dear to them. 

when you read at her funeral everyone cries even harder because you  wrote about everything from her laughter to her smile to her small spatter of freckles that remind you of a bouquet of flowers and the second you sit back down will grabs your jacket and pulls you to the parking lot of the church so you can cry with him and you end up leaving early because you cannot handle it.

your name is derek nurse and you and will are healing together piece by piece and putting together a metaphorical straw house and it feels better than it should because you are trusting each other finally.

your name is derek nurse and when you are twenty years old you attempt suicide again. will finds you lying on the bathroom floor with a half empty bottle of zoloft and a note thats addressed to him in your sloppy handwriting and his hands shake as he calls the ambulance and he’s shaking and holding you and crying into your shirt and you can feel him and it hurts so bad but your entire body is numb.

your name is derek nurse and you wake up in the hospital with will clinging to your gown while he sleeps. you wake up and he feels you stir and starts to cry again but you don’t know what’s going on so you cry with him and the nurses come in and you’re okay and he’s okay and then the team comes in and jack tells you you’re gonna be okay and he knows better than anyone how hard it is to struggle with mental illness and he hugs you in the bed and tells you that you’re gonna be fine.

your name is derek nurse and when you get home your moms cry and for once someone isn’t disappointed or angry with you.

your name is derek nurse and you are healing piece by piece and all that matters is that you are getting better. your name is derek nurse and will loves you and calls you every day from samwell. your name is derek nurse and shitty comes to visit you once a week with news from lardo and everyone else and you sit and watch movies in your room, just like in the old andover days and things feel right again.

you keep your poetry notebook under your mattress like a cliched teenager and when your mom is helping you pack your stuff back up for samwell she finds it and cries over the spiteful poem you wrote about your dead father, anand she cries over the poem you wrote the first time you were in the hospital because she never knew you felt that way about yourself.

your name is derek nurse and when you see will for the first time since after you were discharged, your world alights again and everything is ablaze and your skin glows wherever he touches and your life is beautiful and you are not damaged. 

your name is derek nurse and william poindexter loves you back.

your name is derek nurse and you are finally okay.

 

**Author's Note:**

> so this title was actually stolen from [this quote](http://www.azquotes.com/quote/491325) by one of my favorite authors, [jack kerouac ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kerouac). kerouac was a part of the [ beat gen ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_Generation) which was one of the mos influential periods of american writing. another notable beat gen dude is [ allen ginsberg, AKA ginsy ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allen_Ginsberg) who wrote the poem [ howl. ](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/49303) howl was basically a big gay anticapitalist rant and i love it!  
> [ find me on tumblr screaming about gay poets, check please, and les mis! ](http://stantaire.tumblr.com/)


End file.
